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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.

Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Growing up was intense - my dad was a serial con artist, my mom had no self regard and overweight, disliked me was left to fight for myself more often than not. Inwardly, I was totally free.


It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I sense like I am heading home.